


If I'm Being Honest

by aingealcethlenn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, F/M, Heartache, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 02:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15063218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aingealcethlenn/pseuds/aingealcethlenn
Summary: After dealing with a shifter, Y/N sneaks off to a bar alone. Dean reacts without thinking. Can their relationship be saved?





	If I'm Being Honest

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Chase Rice’s song If I’m Being Honest. Takes place around 1.06 (Skin), but not during the episode(s).
> 
> **Indented writing is one, or both, of the brothers POV.**

Of all the ways that hunt could have gone, I wasn’t expecting… _that_.

After a long few days… I was just glad it was over.

Now here I sit, on a bar stool, flirting with some local who just seems happy to see a fresh face.

Sure, I had two perfectly formed _gods_ I could be with in some motel room - okay, _one_ in particular… Sam was just a nice added _bonus_ to look at - but _this_ was what I needed to get my mind off that damn _monster_.

I didn’t want _familiar_.  
I wanted _a distraction_.

Dean and I may be _exclusive_ most of the time, but we sure as hell weren’t _official_.

That label meant nothing to me, though. Just knowing he only had his eyes on me, was enough reason to keep coming _home_.

But this… _thing_? This… _shifter_?  
Because of _it_ , I couldn’t even _look_ at Dean right now.

That shouldn’t be a reason for me to be here, though…  
In some hole in the wall bar… Shamelessly flirting with some locals just to get my mind off the events that unfolded….  
But it’s _exactly_ why I was here.

I figured, sneaking out once the boys were both passed out, and finding my way here, would help.  
I wasn’t looking to _hook-up_ with anyone.  
I don’t think I could if I wanted to.

I was just looking for some fun. Harmless fun. A way to unwind. Some innocent touches, some alcohol, maybe a game or two of pool.

Something to forget what that _bastard_ shifter did.  
Something to put my head back in the right place, and know that the Dean I was going to be holding when I finally made it back to the motel was, in fact, _my_ Dean Winchester.

What I didn’t figure, was that he would wake up while I was gone.  
That he would come looking for me when he realized I wasn’t next to him.

I’m still not exactly sure what happened.

All I know is, I looked up and saw those emerald eyes narrowed and glaring at me, confused and hurt, from across the small bar.  
I saw that telltale blue jacket, the same deep red flannel shirt from earlier, and the light ever so lightly bouncing off the amulet around his neck.

His body was tense, fists clenched at his sides.

I quickly sat up and away from the man in front of me, as if his skin had burned mine.

I watched as Dean silently turned and walked out the door.  
Grabbing my jacket, I threw a couple twenty dollar bills on the bar and ran after him.

Throwing the door open, I ran after his form as he slowly walked through the lot to Baby.

“Dean! Wait!” I called after him. “ _STOP_ , damn it!”

He ceased all movement, his hand on Baby’s door handle. Not lifting his eyes to look at me.

“Dean… Let me–”

“No.” He growled lowly, cutting me off. “There’s no need to explain a damn thing Y/N. Just get in. You can grab your stuff from the room when we get there and I’ll pay for you to get your own.”

“Dean. Please. Don’t do that. This is just a simple–”

“Just stop!” He snapped.

I snapped my mouth shut and stood in silence behind him.

I was… fearful. I’d never experienced this with him… with _me_.  
I was completely consumed with guilt.  
Though I had done nothing _technically_ wrong - I never kissed any of the men, let alone anything else, just simple flirting, harmless - I still knew I had betrayed Dean.

“After everything that happened on this hunt, this was your solution?” He waved his hand toward the bar. “I mean, going out for a drink, I get. But you _snuck out_ after we were asleep, and you sit on that damn stool in there and _flirt_ with any guy that walks by. You know, I guess a part of me had thought that maybe - _just maybe_ \- after that shifter tried to take you from me, that you’d want nothing more than to stay with me tonight. But I guess not.”

“That… that _thing_ tried to take me from you. He knew… _so much_ about you, about _us_ ,” I said, my voice catching. “I should have been able to tell it wasn’t you, Dean… but I couldn’t! And it’s _killing me inside_!” I try to keep my composure, but I can hear my voice starting to crack even more. “You can’t be bothered to stop and think about me for even a second, can you? It’s just Dean, Dean, _Dean_! _Dean_ had a tough time on the hunt. _Dean_ just wants to sleep. _Dean_ wants to go to the bar and get drunk. When was the last time _Dean_ gave a shit about what _I needed_!? What _I wanted_!? Huh?!”

I couldn’t help the words that came out of my mouth. They weren’t true. Not really.  
Sure, Dean did what Dean was going to do, but that didn’t matter to me. I was more than happy to comfort him when he needed or let him go to some dump of a bar by himself so he could clear his mind when he needed.

But I love him. I _need_ him.  
Flaws, scars, broken pieces and all.

His silence in response to my outburst was like a knife to the gut.

As we stood for a moment, letting the silence eat away at what little remained between us, I could feel the tears beginning to prick at my eyes.  
I opened the door to Baby and got in. Slamming it shut once I was situated.

Nothing else was said between us.

I got my belongings in silence and left the room. I didn’t bother to stay the night, there was no reason to.

I had my bag and my guitar flung over my shoulder, and I just began walking.  
No destination in mind, other than somewhere far from the Winchesters.

For now, at least.

* * *

Twelve months had passed since I had last seen Dean or Sam.

Sam would call me on occasion.  
Mostly just to be sure I was alive and well.

We’d text every so often, too. Help each other with ideas on cases, or just to have someone to talk to.  
Hell, I even sent him pictures of the pick-up I’d managed to get from Bobby. His reply was that it ‘ _fit my style_ ’.

I don’t know if Dean told him anything about that night. Sam never brought it up, so neither did I.

Sitting in the dingy motel room, I couldn’t help the feelings that suddenly overwhelmed me.

I had my headphones in, completely oblivious to any sounds around me.  
I didn’t hear the cars driving around outside, nor the people down the street at the bar, yelling drunkenly to the sky and stars.

I didn’t hear that distinct ‘67 rumble, that I normally could have picked out of a lineup.

No. I was completely oblivious.

The ping of my phone, interrupting my music, was the only thing to bring me back to reality.  
It was a message from Sam.

**_-Hope you’re still alive, haha  
Where are you?_ **

Where am I?  
 _I’m trying to get my wits back, Sam. I’m trying to expunge the damn memory of just how royally I fucked up.  
_ That wasn’t my reply though. That was far simpler.

**_-The last place you saw me, Sam._ **

I tossed my phone onto the other bed and ignored it.  
I love Sam, don’t get me wrong, but I needed silence right now. Not added memories.

I finally got off the bed and walked to the window. Opening it about halfway, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of the cool crisp air that flowed through.

I picked up my guitar from the table and sat back on the corner of the bed.  
Strumming away, humming to myself, not really sure what I wanted to do. But I knew it was time, to be honest with myself.

“ _I don’t stay up late in the middle of the night…_ ” I start singing. “ _Drink from a bottle, half empty as me._ ”  
I glanced at the bottle of whiskey, half empty on the table.

“ _I don’t cruise down Villa Place sometimes… Wonder why your car ain’t parked in the street. No way, not me, I’m way too tough. I ain’t tore up with what went down with us…_ ”

I forgot about the fact that the window was open. Not that it mattered much, who would be out at this hour and actually pay attention to the music?

“ _But if I’m being honest, baby, I’m still crazy about you… I fucked things up and now I’m man enough, to finally face that truth… And since I’m being honest, baby, I got no clue what to do. So I stay drunk and high, all the time, to get me over you… If I’m being honest… If I’m being honest…._ ”

 

> “Who was that?”
> 
> “No one, Dean. Don’t worry.” Sam put his phone back in his pocket.
> 
> “That’s cute… it’s adorable, really, when you think you can lie to me, ya know.” Dean smirked at his brother. “It’s also really irritating. But have it your way.”
> 
> Sam knew he had recognized that truck in the parking lot when they pulled in.  
> What were the odds that they’d end up at the same motel they had been in before, and on the same night that she managed to roll into town too.
> 
> Maybe they were following the same case?
> 
> Or maybe… maybe the events of that night were still haunting her, like they were Dean.
> 
> Sure, Dean never told Sam what happened. But it had to be bad, right?  
> To cause her to just up and leave like that? With no warning?
> 
> They hadn’t spoken in months, and Dean hadn’t even so much as uttered her name.  
> She never asked about him when they occasionally texted. Maybe because she figured Sam would tell her if anything bad had happened.
> 
> “Sam?”
> 
> _Should I tell him she’s here?  
>  Should I tell her we’re here?_
> 
> “Sammy?”
> 
> _No. This isn’t my fight.  
>  I love my brother, but he’s thick headed sometimes. Maybe a chance reunion is just what they need…_
> 
> “Hey!”
> 
> _I know she loved him. And he loved her.  
>  They’re made for each other._
> 
> “Sam!” A hand waving in front of his face finally snapped Sam out of his trance.
> 
> “Yea. What? Sorry.” He shook his head, trying to regain focus.
> 
> “What the hell, man… I’m gonna go grab some ice. Need anything?”
> 
> “Nah. I’m good.”
> 
> Sam watched him grab the bucket, and head out the door.  
> Before it closed, he heard something he hadn’t heard in months.
> 
> Hopefully Dean will hear it too.
> 
>  

“ _No one calls to check on me, cause they know I’m good, yeah, doin’ just fine… And when I see my friends on Maroon street, I’m all calm and cool and having a hell of a time… I ain’t masquerading your memory. No way no how, no that ain’t me…_ ”

Sometimes I wonder if it’s been long enough? Maybe I should try to call him, tell him the truth. Tell him what really happened that night.  
What was really going through my head.

“ _But if I’m being honest, baby, I’m still crazy about you._ ”

 

> Hearing the dulcet sounds of a soft voice over guitar chords carried through the night, caused him to stop dead in his tracks.
> 
> ‘ _I know that voice_ ,’ he thought. ‘ _But, it can’t be her. Can it?_ ’
> 
> Ice bucket still in hand, he made his way toward the voice.
> 
>  

“ _I fucked things up and now I’m man enough, to finally face that truth… And since I’m being honest, baby, I got no clue what to do… So I stay drunk and high, all the time, to get me over you. If I’m bein honest…_ ”

 

> As he got closer to the window, to that beautiful sound he had been missing so much, he knew exactly who it was and what she was singing.
> 
> Thinking back to that night, maybe she had been right. Maybe he should have listened, heard her side of the story.  
> Maybe he shouldn’t have kicked her out after everything that had happened.

 

“ _If I’m being honest…_ ”

I took my time, strumming away at the chords. The tears stinging my eyes but refusing to fall.

 

> Dean was just so devastated when he saw her with her hands on that other guy. The jealousy that raged through Dean was something he hadn’t ever experienced before.  
> That was _his_ girl.
> 
> What he hadn’t done was stop and think about what that hunt might have done to _her_.
> 
> She was right that night, he never stopped to think about what might have been going through _her_ head after having that _thing_ pretending to be Dean Winchester.
> 
> He stopped outside her door, listening as she continued to sing.
> 
>  

“ _I don’t talk to God each night and pray, to him that you’re okay… And come to think, I don’t think of you at all and wonder where you are today…_ ”

 

> He had to take a shot.
> 
> He reached for the handle of her door, and turned. Pushing on it ever so gently, he held his breath as it opened into her room.
> 
> Standing in the doorway, he didn’t say a word. He just stood there, taking in the sight as she sat on the bed. Guitar on her lap, strumming the chords.
> 
> God, was she just as beautiful as ever.
> 
> _Why was I so stupid? What will she say when she finally sees me?  
>  Maybe I should leave **before** she sees me?_
> 
>  

“ _But if I’m being honest, baby, I’m still crazy about you… I fucked things up and now I’m man enough, to finally face that truth…_ ”

I didn’t notice the sound of the door clicking open. I didn’t notice the figure standing there silently.  
Some hunter I was at that moment, huh?

 

> Standing silently, listening to her voice crack as she sang, every ounce of his being screaming at himself to move, to open his mouth, to do _something_.
> 
> She still loved him, that much was clear.  
> And lord knows he still loved her.
> 
>  

“ _Since I’m being honest, baby, I got no clue what to do… So I string four chords and the truth, and rhymes and hope it reaches you…_ ”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” his voice cracked. He cleared his throat as she looked up to see who was responding to her rhetorical request. “It reached me just fine.”

With the pale light illuminating him from behind, there stood the man, looking just as he had all those months ago. With that tell-tale blue jacket, and the same deep red flannel shirt. The light from her room ever so lightly bouncing off the amulet around his neck.

Those beautiful bright emerald green eyes, staring back at her.

Only this time… they were smiling.


End file.
